_________________
Philosophy of Counseling:
Identity Formation Model
How Identities Are Formed
Probably the biggest reason people seek counseling is the desire to change some part of their identity. Usually these people have tried everything they can think of and everything that friends and family have suggested but they just can’t break free of the problematic identity. Some examples of these identities are being “depressed, anxious, stressed, chemically dependent, overweight/underweight, or co-dependent.
Underlying these identities are two questions that all of my clients want answered when they come to see me for counseling. First, how did this identity take over my life and second, how can I change it? To answer these questions, people need to understand the process that leads to the development of an identity. This process involves 5 basic components that often happen automatically and therefore becomes a habit that seems impossible to change. But that does not have to be the case. You can change your identity by first understanding the process and then using it to create the identity you desire.
So what are the components of this process you may ask?
Well here is a diagram that outlines the components that lead to the development of an identity.
Sense → Feelings → Thoughts → Will → Behavior = Identity
Understanding each of these components will help you generate some ideas of how to change your identity and therefore your life. However, I word of caution is needed here. If you are trying to change an identity that has been going on most or all of your life it is often best to do that with the help and support of a professional (such as a counselor, psychologist, pastor, or minister) to ensure that you do not get stuck in the process. Starting to change and getting stuck in the process can often lead to more severe mental health issues than maintaining a problematic but familiar identity. So this information is meant as a starting point for your education not to be used in place of getting professional help if needed.
So now let’s begin to understand the components by looking at the first component Sense. This may seem like something that is obvious and doesn’t need mentioning or explaining. However, that is precisely the reason it needs mentioning. As mentioned earlier this process is often automatic and in order to change something you need to first identify it. So this component simply reminds us that all information that eventually comes into our awareness begins with sensing something. In other word, you hear, see, smell, taste, or touch something. This is important because a step that often gets missed in counseling or in changing someone’s identity is to start by changing what you are sensing (hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling). This may seem like it is too simple just change what you sense and you will change your identity and you are correct but if you don’t start here then changing any of the other 4 components will often not last. This is one of the biggest issues I see when people come into my office, they have tried to change the other 4 components; what they feel, think, choose, and how they act but they have never changed what they sense regularly. So, while this is not the only component that needs changing in order to change your identity it is a vital first step. In order to change what you sense you simply but with some awareness and usually some thought change what you are sensing daily. This may require you to modify your environment in some way, listen to relaxing music instead of the news or loud music in the care while driving or when you wake up in the morning or before going to sleep. Another example, of changing what you are sensing to change your identity involves changing what you smell. Aromatherapy works specifically on this principle. It suggests that if you change what you smell you can change your identity. Real Estate agents know this is true because if you have ever sold a home or gone into a model home you will likely recall that there is always something baking in the oven, usually cookies or bread, something that reminds you of being home. You can also change what you taste or touch to begin to change your identity. For example, eating something in moderation can often change your identity that is the idea behind comfort food and pets have been found to change people’s identity due to changing what they touch, stoking or petting a dog or cat has been found to be relaxing for many people. So, change any sense and you begin the process of changing your identity but the process does not stop there. In order, to change your identity you need to ensure that what you are sensing changes the way you feel.
The second component of this process is your feelings. As mentioned previously, this is often the first step or the point where people become aware of their identity. But in this process feelings don’t develop out of thin air they develop as the result of sensing something. The idea goes like this, every time you sense something it leads to either a positive feeling, a negative feeling, or sometimes a neutral feeling (although this does not occur as often as most people think). Most things that are sensed lead to either a positive or negative feeling. The key to this step like in all the steps is to recognize what you are feeling. It is important to express your feeling instead of repressing (stuffing) them. If you are having a negative feeling what is it that you sensed that lead to that feeling? How can that sense be modified? It is also important to identify positive feelings because knowing what you can sense that leads to positive feelings is crucial to you getting rid of negative feelings. So, the second component to become aware of in order to change your identity is your feelings.
This third component in this process is your thinking. Once again many people make the mistake of skipping the first two components (sense and feelings) and begin here when trying to change their identity. One type of well known and often used psychological theory is Cognitive therapy which suggests that the way to change your identity is to change the way you think (the thoughts you are having). This is definitely an important step in the process of changing your identity but it is not the only step which is why so often people fall back to a previous identity when they simply modify what they are thinking or telling themselves. Despite, this not being the only step like the rest of the components it needs to be understood and modified in order to change your identity. So let’s examine it a little more closely. The first thing to realize is that you can control and therefore change your thoughts. Your thoughts do not and should not control you or your life. People often allow them to for a variety of reasons but the fact is that your thoughts can be modified. How you may ask? Well it begins by understanding that thoughts are the third component in this process and therefore the result of what you feel and what you sensed. Again not to belabor the point but you can always change a component later in the process by changing the components that came before it, in this case what you felt or sensed. Besides changing those components it is important to understand that your thoughts fall into 3 basic categories; thoughts of the past (memories), thoughts of the future (imagination), or thoughts of the present (reality). The issue with most people’s thinking is that they spend most of their time thinking about the past or the future and very little time thinking about what is actually happening in the present. This leads to issues because the past that is remembered is often not the positive, uplifting memories but rather the mistakes that have been made. These memories lead to thoughts of a future that is likely to include the same if not worse mistakes. This type of thinking verifies the negative feelings you are experiencing, and as a result you unconsciously view and choose things to sense that are also negative. This all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a cycle that can never be broken. As a result, the person develops an identity of being depressed (living in the regrettable past) or of being anxious (living in the regrettable future). Both of these and other issues with thinking are often resolved by recognizing and implementing thought s of the present. One of the keys to changing your identity is to become aware of and to live in the present instead of the past or future. This is critical because the only thoughts, feelings, and senses you can change are the ones you are currently experiencing. Another way of looking at this is the only way you can change a future identity is to change your current identity. Not surprisingly, it is also the only way to forgive and move on from a previous regrettable identity. In other words, change and forgiveness can only happen in the present. The great thing about thinking in the present is that you are always in control of your present thoughts and thus they can be modified this is not the case with past of the future thoughts. So if you want to think differently than begin to find things to think about that allow you to do so in the present. As mentioned at the beginning of this article this can often be difficult especially if the thought have become deeply ingrained so you may need a professional to help you through this process but regardless the fact remains thoughts can be changed and you can to learn to live in the present.
The fourth component of this process is your will. In this process the will has only one role or job and that is to choose a behavior. In healthy identities the will chooses this behavior based on all the input it has received (what is sensed, felt, and thought). However, in many cases, people’s will chooses based on just feelings or just thoughts or even worse what was felt or thought in the past instead of what is currently being felt and thought. One example of this is that if you ask many people (especially teenagers) why they did something they cannot give you a reason they will often say “they felt like it.” Others when asked to explain why they choose to do something will deny the feelings and instead explain that they did it because of something that occurred in the past or will likely occur in the future. So the key here is for the will to choose based on all the current information. This requires a little bit of time especially if the decision is one that is going to impact or change your identity. So learning to slow down and relax physically and emotionally is vital to changing your choices and therefore your identity. So the will or your choice is another vital component of the identity process but it is not the last component.
The last component of this process is your behavior. Behavior is definitely important in your identity but again it is only one of 5 components that need to be changed in order to change your identity. The mistake most people make is that they believe that by focusing on and changing only their behavior they can change their identity. This is simply not the case and is why most people don’t make permanent change to their identity. If you simply focus on changing behavior and don’t change what you sense, feel, think, or the choices you make you can never change your identity permanently. This is why people who are overweight and simply try to change that identity by focusing on just their diet or exercise fail. The people who succeed at losing weight and keeping it off do so by changing their complete identity moment to moment; what they sense, feel, think, choose, and what they do. One reason people focus on behavior more than the other components of this process is that behavior is the only component that is visible to others. All of the other 4 components happen inside your mind and body and are only visible if you allow them to. In other words, people don’t know what you are feeling or thinking unless you show them. This is why counseling is based on uncovering the other 4 components and brining to awareness what is happening and what else can be done to change the behavior. So the key to changing behavior is not to simply make up your mind to change it but rather to identify and change the process that leads to that behavior. If you change the process often enough you will eventually change your identity.
So, in conclusion, changing your identity requires that you change what you sense, feel, and think before you can choose to change your behavior. In other words, you change your identity from the inside out not vice-versa.