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3 C's of the Married Relationship: Part 4
Acting out of compassion for your spouse and yourself in all things is vital to maintaining a healthy marriage. All too often in relationship, compassion is replaced by selfishness, jealously, and resentment. Compassion involves a continuous desire for your spouse to be happy, to prosper, and to grow in love. This desire is demonstrated in what you think and, more importantly, in what you say to and about your spouse. The most important demonstration of compassion is in how you treat your spouse on a moment-to-moment basis. You show compassion by finding ways to support your spouse in the good times and the difficult times. While the marriage bond requires more than compassion--friendship and sexual attraction are important--compassion is the heart of a relationship.
There are many feelings that can attract and bond you to someone else. When love is real, the foremost among these feelings is compassion. You feel the other's hurts and concerns as your own. You ache to see God's best worked out in that person's life.
The dazed sensation which we call "being in love" often has little to do with compassion. It can come from sexual attraction alone or from being enamored with qualities you esteem in the other. It can also come when the other compensates for a deficit in your own life. The wonderful gratification of knowing that someone else cherishes you exactly as you are can also be mistaken for love. Someone may say, “I'm in love with you”, but what he really means is, “You meet my needs and make me happy.” This is not love; this is neediness and selfishness. Compassion is the opposite of this way of being in relationship with your spouse and will lead to a closer commitment and better communication.
So as you can see, all three of the C’s (Commitment, Communication, and Compassion) in relationship work together to build a healthy, lasting marriage relationship. By improving any one area you will naturally improve the others. So begin to work on these areas today and watch your marriage grow. If you need help give me a call.
3 C's of the Married Relationship: Part 3
Most people look at communication as getting a point across. I instead begin to teach them how to communicate by teaching them to listen to each other and then to voice back to their spouse what they just said before they give their side. This is why I have couples listen to me and repeat to me what I said before they begin to communicate to each other. Communication with me is usually less emotional so it is easier to listen. However, if you can learn to listen first and talk second with me you can usually learn to do it with your spouse. This ability to listen first, repeat what is said, and then give your side will often prevent the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse from starting and keep communication from turning from a discussion to an argument. The 4 Horsemen were discussed on July 13 of this year, but to revisit it, they are as follows: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. As you can see communication and commitment go hand in hand to strengthen and maintain a healthy marriage relationship.
3 C's of the Married Relationship: Part 2
With this in mind, I will begin working with the couple to improve communication, but the way I go about it is often a shock to the couple. You see, I will have the couple begin by listening to me and repeating back exactly what I say. I do this because I believe communication begins and ultimately ends with listening and observing not by talking. Arguments and communication problems occur when one person stops listening and instead starts defending themselves or worse judging their spouse. This type of communication will usually follow a very predictable pattern beginning with criticizing your spouses behavior, which then will often jump to contempt for the spouse with name calling (I have unfortunately had couples called their spouse all kinds of very hurtful names in my office). Once these names are spoken the ability to listen has gone out the window and the communication escalates into a full-blown argument, which usually has nothing to do with the original issue but rather has to deal with defending your heart. The emotions especially anger take over and the ability to think logically and communicate in healthy manner are gone. This will often go one until one or both spouses finally stop all communication by shutting down or walking away (known as stonewalling).
This four step process of communication breakdown is known as the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse for relationships and is described in greater detail in a previous blog, but the important thing to note is that research has shown that this process is a good indication of future marital break-up and divorce. If you find yourself involved in this type of communication, I have a solution: Stop It Now. If you need help stopping it give me a call today.
3 C’s of the Married Relationship: Part 1
Couples come into my office with many complaints, but usually their problems boil down to at least one of three core issues. These issues can be summed up in the “3 C’s of Relationship,” comprised of Commitment, Communication, and Compassion.
Commitment issues include not only emotional and physical affairs but also anything that becomes a priority over the relationship. The one I see most often is the couple who over the years has allowed their commitment to the children take priority over the married relationship. As the children grow, the commitment to the marriage takes a backseat to the commitment to the children. I hear couples tell me over and over that between work and all the children’s activities, although they would like to be with each other more, there is no energy or time left to focus on the marriage. The worse part is that I often hear that they cannot imagine a way to change the situation without hurting the children, which is usually the reason they have come to see me. Giving everything for your children may seem like the most loving thing you can do for them but the truth is if your children grow up learning and seeing that you are more committed to them than your marriage you do them a disservice. Now don’t get me wrong; I am not suggesting that children should not be a priority its just that the main priority should always be to the married relationship. Children need to grow up and learn how to be committed in a relationship. I often ask couples what type of relationship they want for their children as adults and not surprisingly most say that they want them to be in a happy, committed marriage one day (although they will often laugh and say not anytime soon). The question is can you be happily committed in marriage? I believe you can but in order to do so the marriage has to be top priority ALWAYS! This means nothing, not work, extended family, or even children can come between the commitment between you and your spouse. The only relationship that may take priority over your spouse is a spiritual relationship if you and your spouse have one. The key is to communicate through both words and actions daily to your spouse that they are the most important person in your life. If you will demonstrate your commitment to your spouse in all that you do and say the probability of having to deal with the other more devastating commitment issues such as emotional and physical infidelity will decrease dramatically. However, communicating your commitment is often not something that comes naturally so this leads us right into a discussion of the 2nd C, Communication issues, which I will write on tomorrow.
Community Health Fair Presentation
Highlights of the event will include presentations by the following experts and organizations:
- Dr. Allen Novian, Caregiver Stress-Busting
Date: October 7, 2009
Time: 8:30 a.m. until 3:00 p.m.
Location: The Laurels and The Haven
Please RSVP
Contact Number: (210) 404-9005