Couples Therapy
An Exercise in Gratitude
06/23/10
This exercise is meant to encourage healthy, positive conversations. Often, couples get so caught up in the negative, critical, or stress-laden conversations throughout their day that the positive interactions we crave get pushed to the wayside.
The fact is that positive conversations need to be practiced so that the negative conversations do not create a downward spiral.
Positive conversations of gratitude happen in a set of 6 easy steps, but they are only effective if they are regularly employed:
Step 1: Begin with something you appreciate of about your spouse. You can choose to mention something your spouse has done in the last 24 hours or something that is done repeatedly which you don't think get appreciated enough. The key is to stay on one thing you appreciate and to describe it as fully as possible. For example, “Tom, I saw that you picked up the dirty clothes around the house this morning and put them in the laundry basket. I really appreciated that! I was able to get all the laundry done without searching all over the house first, and now I have the time and energy to spend with you tonight.”
Step 2: When the first spouse is finished speaking, the second spouse needs to "mirror" back what was just said. In other words, repeat back, as close as possible, what you heard them say. “Susan, I heard you say you appreciated that I picked up the dirty clothes because it made your job with the laundry easier and now you have time tonight to spend with me...”
Step 3: When the second spouse has repeated everything that was said, he or she should ask the question “... did I understand you correctly?”
Step 4: If everything was correct, the first spouse should say, “Yes” or make a gesture that lets the partner know they have understood. If there has been a misunderstanding, then the first spouse should describe again what he or she is grateful for and then repeat steps 2, 3, and 4 until you are understood completely.
Step 5: Now the second spouse gets a chance to begin at step 1 and go through steps 2-4.
Step 6: Once step 4 is complete for both spouses then the conversation ends with both spouses summarizing what was understood by taking turns saying, “What I learned from this conversation was...(fill in the blank)”
At this point, you can move onto discussing the rest of your daily checklist of things that need to be discussed, including the negative .
This process may feel uncomfortable at first and take some time, but continue to use it and revise it to fit your conversation patterns. In time it will become more comfortable and take less time for you to understand each other.
Take care and have a terrific week!
The fact is that positive conversations need to be practiced so that the negative conversations do not create a downward spiral.
Positive conversations of gratitude happen in a set of 6 easy steps, but they are only effective if they are regularly employed:
Step 1: Begin with something you appreciate of about your spouse. You can choose to mention something your spouse has done in the last 24 hours or something that is done repeatedly which you don't think get appreciated enough. The key is to stay on one thing you appreciate and to describe it as fully as possible. For example, “Tom, I saw that you picked up the dirty clothes around the house this morning and put them in the laundry basket. I really appreciated that! I was able to get all the laundry done without searching all over the house first, and now I have the time and energy to spend with you tonight.”
Step 2: When the first spouse is finished speaking, the second spouse needs to "mirror" back what was just said. In other words, repeat back, as close as possible, what you heard them say. “Susan, I heard you say you appreciated that I picked up the dirty clothes because it made your job with the laundry easier and now you have time tonight to spend with me...”
Step 3: When the second spouse has repeated everything that was said, he or she should ask the question “... did I understand you correctly?”
Step 4: If everything was correct, the first spouse should say, “Yes” or make a gesture that lets the partner know they have understood. If there has been a misunderstanding, then the first spouse should describe again what he or she is grateful for and then repeat steps 2, 3, and 4 until you are understood completely.
Step 5: Now the second spouse gets a chance to begin at step 1 and go through steps 2-4.
Step 6: Once step 4 is complete for both spouses then the conversation ends with both spouses summarizing what was understood by taking turns saying, “What I learned from this conversation was...(fill in the blank)”
At this point, you can move onto discussing the rest of your daily checklist of things that need to be discussed, including the negative .
This process may feel uncomfortable at first and take some time, but continue to use it and revise it to fit your conversation patterns. In time it will become more comfortable and take less time for you to understand each other.
Take care and have a terrific week!
Building and Maintaining Trust in Relationships
04/06/10
Is trust, or the lack of it, affecting your relationship? Because your partner has been "burned" in a previous relationship, is he or she now finding it difficult to trust you? Has infidelity in your relationship made it hard for you and your partner to trust each other? If so, you are not alone.
When couples are asked to describe a situation that causes distress in their relationship, the topic of trust frequently arises. They lament, "I can't trust him with the checkbook," "She never gets home when she says she will," or "He's always saying, 'trust me, I'll get it done,' but he never does." Another typical comment is, "I don't trust her around other men. She's always flirting." These comments indicate the presence of a low level of trust within the relationship.
Although trust between partners clearly leads to feelings of safety and connectedness, many couples don't know how to develop or maintain a trusting relationship. They expect trust to be automatically granted as a part of the commitment. They feel they deserve to be trusted without putting forth effort to foster that trust. They have come to believe that once trust is lost, it can never be regained.
What these couples don't realize is that with the right ingredients, trust can be built, strengthened, and maintained regardless of the past. Mutual love and respect can be intentionally and purposefully increased.
Consider the following five ingredients as you look to develop or rebuild trust in your relationship:
Ingredient #1 -- Say what you are going to do. Communicating your intentions to your partner eliminates the guesswork that often leads to false assumptions and misunderstandings. Tell your partner what you are planning to accomplish and how you would like to include him or her in your plan.
Ingredient #2 -- Do what you say. The more your actions match your words, the more trust others have in you. Trust develops when a person's words are congruent with his or her actions. When you say clearly what you are going to do and then do it, trust grows and strengthens.
Ingredient #3 -- Live in the present. When you keep track of how often a behavior has occurred and make a point of reminding your partner of it, you drag the past into the present. This is called mental scorekeeping. The weight of numerous incidents creates strain that prevents you from addressing the current situation effectively. Scorekeeping builds stress, magnifies the situation, and interferes with the process of communicating clearly and directly about the present incident.
Ingredient #4 -- Look at yourself first. Before pointing a finger at your partner, consider your own behavior. Is there something you might be doing that demonstrates you are not trustworthy? Explore the possibility that you are choosing a behavior that gives your partner the impression that you cannot be fully trusted. Bring that behavior into the open, and talk about it with your partner.
Ingredient #5 -- Time, time, and more time. Time plays a major role in the development and strengthening of trust. Don't expect an overnight change of attitude from either yourself or your partner. The more opportunities you have to demonstrate how your words and actions flow together, the stronger trust will become. That takes time. Look for as many opportunities as possible to match your words with your behavior, and be mindful of your partner's attempts to do the same.
If you feel your relationship is lacking trust, make an investment. Invest in building, strengthening, and maintaining your relationship by mixing the five ingredients together, putting them into practice, and supporting each other in your efforts. The result will be a relationship of mutual respect and connectedness built on a foundation of trust
When the honeymoon is over
03/29/10
Have you ever heard someone say, “The honeymoon is over,”?
When problems crop up in a relationship or marriage, they are like parasitic weeds. At the beginning, they can be small. They are so small, in fact, that they might not even be noticed as problems by either spouse. For example, if Sharon goes out late every Friday night to rub elbows with her coworkers, Alex may at first praise her driven and outgoing nature, and he makes plans with her on a different day. This reaction to his partner’s behavior is due to a chemical in our brain called b- Phenylethylamine, or simply PEA. It is a chemical that is generated in our brain that creates the feeling of being “in love.” It short circuits our ability to rationally analyze our significant other or spouse’s more “irritating” qualities. While we are in this part of our relationship, we describe our partners in the most flattering way we can.
After some time, the weeds germinate, and the problems begin to be noticed. There is less of the PEA chemical in the brain, and now Sharon’s socializing begins to be slightly irritating. They are farther into their relationship and are spending more and more time together. Because Sharon’s habit is now effecting Alex’s schedule, it is a source of frustration. He wants to express his frustration but is afraid to offend Sharon. The first link in their ability to communicate breaks.
Eventually the problems become full fledged weeds, and they deteriorate the relationship. Sharon does not understand why Alex is frustrated. This pattern of behavior was there before they started dating, so he knew what he was getting into, right? Now the problem is recognized as real and one problem has spawned others.
You are left with a choice: You can seek help now, and deal with your problems while they are small, or you can deal with them when they have taken over your relationship and you are facing problems that seem too big to overcome.
My suggestion? Kill the weeds in your relationship now, before they have become a real threat. If your “honeymoon is over” then make the switch from “in love” to loving. Don’t let your problems destroy your relationship. There is very little that cannot be overcome.
When problems crop up in a relationship or marriage, they are like parasitic weeds. At the beginning, they can be small. They are so small, in fact, that they might not even be noticed as problems by either spouse. For example, if Sharon goes out late every Friday night to rub elbows with her coworkers, Alex may at first praise her driven and outgoing nature, and he makes plans with her on a different day. This reaction to his partner’s behavior is due to a chemical in our brain called b- Phenylethylamine, or simply PEA. It is a chemical that is generated in our brain that creates the feeling of being “in love.” It short circuits our ability to rationally analyze our significant other or spouse’s more “irritating” qualities. While we are in this part of our relationship, we describe our partners in the most flattering way we can.
After some time, the weeds germinate, and the problems begin to be noticed. There is less of the PEA chemical in the brain, and now Sharon’s socializing begins to be slightly irritating. They are farther into their relationship and are spending more and more time together. Because Sharon’s habit is now effecting Alex’s schedule, it is a source of frustration. He wants to express his frustration but is afraid to offend Sharon. The first link in their ability to communicate breaks.
Eventually the problems become full fledged weeds, and they deteriorate the relationship. Sharon does not understand why Alex is frustrated. This pattern of behavior was there before they started dating, so he knew what he was getting into, right? Now the problem is recognized as real and one problem has spawned others.
You are left with a choice: You can seek help now, and deal with your problems while they are small, or you can deal with them when they have taken over your relationship and you are facing problems that seem too big to overcome.
My suggestion? Kill the weeds in your relationship now, before they have become a real threat. If your “honeymoon is over” then make the switch from “in love” to loving. Don’t let your problems destroy your relationship. There is very little that cannot be overcome.
3 C's of the Married Relationship: Part 4
10/13/09
The final C is Compassion.
Acting out of compassion for your spouse and yourself in all things is vital to maintaining a healthy marriage. All too often in relationship, compassion is replaced by selfishness, jealously, and resentment. Compassion involves a continuous desire for your spouse to be happy, to prosper, and to grow in love. This desire is demonstrated in what you think and, more importantly, in what you say to and about your spouse. The most important demonstration of compassion is in how you treat your spouse on a moment-to-moment basis. You show compassion by finding ways to support your spouse in the good times and the difficult times. While the marriage bond requires more than compassion--friendship and sexual attraction are important--compassion is the heart of a relationship.
There are many feelings that can attract and bond you to someone else. When love is real, the foremost among these feelings is compassion. You feel the other's hurts and concerns as your own. You ache to see God's best worked out in that person's life.
The dazed sensation which we call "being in love" often has little to do with compassion. It can come from sexual attraction alone or from being enamored with qualities you esteem in the other. It can also come when the other compensates for a deficit in your own life. The wonderful gratification of knowing that someone else cherishes you exactly as you are can also be mistaken for love. Someone may say, “I'm in love with you”, but what he really means is, “You meet my needs and make me happy.” This is not love; this is neediness and selfishness. Compassion is the opposite of this way of being in relationship with your spouse and will lead to a closer commitment and better communication.
So as you can see, all three of the C’s (Commitment, Communication, and Compassion) in relationship work together to build a healthy, lasting marriage relationship. By improving any one area you will naturally improve the others. So begin to work on these areas today and watch your marriage grow. If you need help give me a call.
Acting out of compassion for your spouse and yourself in all things is vital to maintaining a healthy marriage. All too often in relationship, compassion is replaced by selfishness, jealously, and resentment. Compassion involves a continuous desire for your spouse to be happy, to prosper, and to grow in love. This desire is demonstrated in what you think and, more importantly, in what you say to and about your spouse. The most important demonstration of compassion is in how you treat your spouse on a moment-to-moment basis. You show compassion by finding ways to support your spouse in the good times and the difficult times. While the marriage bond requires more than compassion--friendship and sexual attraction are important--compassion is the heart of a relationship.
There are many feelings that can attract and bond you to someone else. When love is real, the foremost among these feelings is compassion. You feel the other's hurts and concerns as your own. You ache to see God's best worked out in that person's life.
The dazed sensation which we call "being in love" often has little to do with compassion. It can come from sexual attraction alone or from being enamored with qualities you esteem in the other. It can also come when the other compensates for a deficit in your own life. The wonderful gratification of knowing that someone else cherishes you exactly as you are can also be mistaken for love. Someone may say, “I'm in love with you”, but what he really means is, “You meet my needs and make me happy.” This is not love; this is neediness and selfishness. Compassion is the opposite of this way of being in relationship with your spouse and will lead to a closer commitment and better communication.
So as you can see, all three of the C’s (Commitment, Communication, and Compassion) in relationship work together to build a healthy, lasting marriage relationship. By improving any one area you will naturally improve the others. So begin to work on these areas today and watch your marriage grow. If you need help give me a call.
3 C's of the Married Relationship: Part 2
10/08/09
Communication issues are probably the most common reason that couples come to see me for therapy. Couples will often tell me “we just can’t seem to communicate about anything”, or “we are constantly arguing”, or “he/she just doesn’t understand me”. They might say we use to get along but now everything we say to each other ends up in a fight. So this is how couples come into my office, after being unable to communicate for usually a long time they are frustrated, hurt, and simply wanting the arguing to end. This arguing and lack of communication often leads one or both spouses to begin to doubt their commitment to the relationship.
With this in mind, I will begin working with the couple to improve communication, but the way I go about it is often a shock to the couple. You see, I will have the couple begin by listening to me and repeating back exactly what I say. I do this because I believe communication begins and ultimately ends with listening and observing not by talking. Arguments and communication problems occur when one person stops listening and instead starts defending themselves or worse judging their spouse. This type of communication will usually follow a very predictable pattern beginning with criticizing your spouses behavior, which then will often jump to contempt for the spouse with name calling (I have unfortunately had couples called their spouse all kinds of very hurtful names in my office). Once these names are spoken the ability to listen has gone out the window and the communication escalates into a full-blown argument, which usually has nothing to do with the original issue but rather has to deal with defending your heart. The emotions especially anger take over and the ability to think logically and communicate in healthy manner are gone. This will often go one until one or both spouses finally stop all communication by shutting down or walking away (known as stonewalling).
This four step process of communication breakdown is known as the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse for relationships and is described in greater detail in a previous blog, but the important thing to note is that research has shown that this process is a good indication of future marital break-up and divorce. If you find yourself involved in this type of communication, I have a solution: Stop It Now. If you need help stopping it give me a call today.
With this in mind, I will begin working with the couple to improve communication, but the way I go about it is often a shock to the couple. You see, I will have the couple begin by listening to me and repeating back exactly what I say. I do this because I believe communication begins and ultimately ends with listening and observing not by talking. Arguments and communication problems occur when one person stops listening and instead starts defending themselves or worse judging their spouse. This type of communication will usually follow a very predictable pattern beginning with criticizing your spouses behavior, which then will often jump to contempt for the spouse with name calling (I have unfortunately had couples called their spouse all kinds of very hurtful names in my office). Once these names are spoken the ability to listen has gone out the window and the communication escalates into a full-blown argument, which usually has nothing to do with the original issue but rather has to deal with defending your heart. The emotions especially anger take over and the ability to think logically and communicate in healthy manner are gone. This will often go one until one or both spouses finally stop all communication by shutting down or walking away (known as stonewalling).
This four step process of communication breakdown is known as the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse for relationships and is described in greater detail in a previous blog, but the important thing to note is that research has shown that this process is a good indication of future marital break-up and divorce. If you find yourself involved in this type of communication, I have a solution: Stop It Now. If you need help stopping it give me a call today.
3 C’s of the Married Relationship: Part 1
10/06/09
Couples come into my office with many complaints, but usually their problems boil down to at least one of three core issues. These issues can be summed up in the “3 C’s of Relationship,” comprised of Commitment, Communication, and Compassion.
Commitment issues include not only emotional and physical affairs but also anything that becomes a priority over the relationship. The one I see most often is the couple who over the years has allowed their commitment to the children take priority over the married relationship. As the children grow, the commitment to the marriage takes a backseat to the commitment to the children. I hear couples tell me over and over that between work and all the children’s activities, although they would like to be with each other more, there is no energy or time left to focus on the marriage. The worse part is that I often hear that they cannot imagine a way to change the situation without hurting the children, which is usually the reason they have come to see me. Giving everything for your children may seem like the most loving thing you can do for them but the truth is if your children grow up learning and seeing that you are more committed to them than your marriage you do them a disservice. Now don’t get me wrong; I am not suggesting that children should not be a priority its just that the main priority should always be to the married relationship. Children need to grow up and learn how to be committed in a relationship. I often ask couples what type of relationship they want for their children as adults and not surprisingly most say that they want them to be in a happy, committed marriage one day (although they will often laugh and say not anytime soon). The question is can you be happily committed in marriage? I believe you can but in order to do so the marriage has to be top priority ALWAYS! This means nothing, not work, extended family, or even children can come between the commitment between you and your spouse. The only relationship that may take priority over your spouse is a spiritual relationship if you and your spouse have one. The key is to communicate through both words and actions daily to your spouse that they are the most important person in your life. If you will demonstrate your commitment to your spouse in all that you do and say the probability of having to deal with the other more devastating commitment issues such as emotional and physical infidelity will decrease dramatically. However, communicating your commitment is often not something that comes naturally so this leads us right into a discussion of the 2nd C, Communication issues, which I will write on tomorrow.
Marriage: It Begins And Ends With A Promise
07/19/09
A vow, according to http://www.dictionary.com, is “an earnest promise to perform a specified act or behave in a certain manner, especially a solemn promise to live and act in accordance with the rules of a religious order.” So marriage begins with an earnest promise to love and honor in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do we part. Most of us learned to recite these promises as children, so why do so many couples seem to forget them once they get married?
There are many reasons that couples loose track of their vows, but I think one is of the biggest is that couples forget (or do not realize) that vows are not a one time promise made on your wedding day. Vows are promises that need to be made DAILY, sometimes several times a day, throughout your marriage. Couples who come to me for therapy often refuse or choose not to accept the promise any longer for all kinds of reasons (feeling abandoned, neglected, rejected, angry, untrusting etc). These feelings need to be communicated in a safe environment, such as my therapist office. However, in order for the feelings to be healed and for the marriage to survive, both partners need to remember and recommit to the “earnest promise” they made to each other on their wedding day. Without the ability to reconnect to that promise, the marriage is likely to end.
So-- if you want a happy and healthy marriage-- don’t forget to remind yourself DAILY of your vows to each other. Better yet, do something to demonstrate your promise to your spouse. These actions will help to keep the love between the two of you growing until death do you part.
There are many reasons that couples loose track of their vows, but I think one is of the biggest is that couples forget (or do not realize) that vows are not a one time promise made on your wedding day. Vows are promises that need to be made DAILY, sometimes several times a day, throughout your marriage. Couples who come to me for therapy often refuse or choose not to accept the promise any longer for all kinds of reasons (feeling abandoned, neglected, rejected, angry, untrusting etc). These feelings need to be communicated in a safe environment, such as my therapist office. However, in order for the feelings to be healed and for the marriage to survive, both partners need to remember and recommit to the “earnest promise” they made to each other on their wedding day. Without the ability to reconnect to that promise, the marriage is likely to end.
So-- if you want a happy and healthy marriage-- don’t forget to remind yourself DAILY of your vows to each other. Better yet, do something to demonstrate your promise to your spouse. These actions will help to keep the love between the two of you growing until death do you part.
Couples and the IMAGO
05/04/09
Couples therapy is unique among therapy types because it involves 2 people who are coming in together to work on their mutual struggles. They have often come to the realization that change has happened in their lives together, often in a negative way. Couples sometimes realize that they have been living separate lives, or that their time together is no longer positive and affirming, and that fighting or conflict (verbal or passive aggressive) has taken over. This weekend I went to a seminar dealing with the “Imago model” of therapy, which addresses the reasons we are attracted to certain people, what we search out in our partners, and why our relationships deteriorate and “love” seems to fade. I found the model that was presented in “Getting the Love You Want” to be sound theory and full of useful techniques for communication and problem solving. I look forward to implementing many of the techniques that we worked on in my office.
For more information on “Getting the Love You Want” and the imago model, see
For more information on “Getting the Love You Want” and the imago model, see