The Stages of Forgiveness
Moving from Anger and Resentment to Compassion and Love
Much has been written about forgiveness. Everywhere you turn people are saying you have to forgive, yet few people likely understand the process of true forgiving. For true healing, forgiveness is essential. The same holds true for the idea of compassion. Yet I have learned that going from anger straight to compassion does not bring about true forgiveness. It only creates a sense of pseudo forgiveness. Many people try to go from hurt or anger straight to compassion.
It most often fails unless they fully understand the deeper process. In most cases the shortcut backfires or they have only repressed their anger. While you maintain an air of forgiveness, you may find yourself easily triggered when speaking of the original event, or you find yourself reacting emotionally when the issue is raised.
I have found that the following steps bring about lasting forgiveness when implemented and practiced on a daily basis. I’ve had many things to forgive, so I’ve had practice. I’ve noticed that it is easy to fall back into a trap of non-forgiveness and resentment unless you make it a daily habit to forgive. Why forgive? You forgive so that you can stop harming yourself through resentment and begin to move into a state of happiness and gratitude.
In the next few days I will be posting about the stages of forgiveness and the path that you have to take to truely forgive. Check back on Monday for the first stage.
A Well Done Video Explaination of Neurofeedback
- This is a very informative, well done video about Neurofeedback services, like those that I provide in my clinic. The video is done by some of the leaders in my field, and it does an excellent job of discussing Neurofeedback therapy.
- If you have any questions about Neurofeedback, or if you are interested in seeing if and how it might help you or your children, please give me a call.
Changes have come!
My wife has now joined me in my practice. She is a former teacher, who works with students who have learning differences and learning disabilities to strengthen and solidify “success skills,” which include communication, study, and coping skills which fit the needs of each client.
Kate is a blessing to me, and an excellent complement to my work with neurofeedback. If you are coming to my new office for the first time, Kate is probably the first person you will meet. She has a warm and caring heart, and she will do her best to make you comfortable.
New Directions
In relationships, there comes a time when a change is needed by one or both people. The question then, becomes, “Do we change together, or separately?” Often, when trust has been broken in a marriage, people choose to change something in their lives apart from their spouse. This can take the form of an affair, and addiction, or sometimes a change in the way a person identifies themselves and/or their spouse. Coming to counseling is nothing more than saying, “A change has occurred, and we need to change again, together,” or, “A change is needed, but we don’t know how to do that without causing more hurt.”
Often, couples do not ask for change until after the pain and hurt of betrayal and broken trust have become unbearable. In these cases, words like “Separation,” “Divorce,” and “It’s over” have often come out. It is always harder to heal a relationship once these words have come out, but it is not impossible.
Sometimes, the change in direction is not in a relationship, but in the handling of another situation, such as the treatment of ADD and ADHD.
When you find that the medication is either not working, or not an option, often it is hard to look in a new direction. “Is this a valid path toward healing? Will it actually help? I’ve tried everything else, and it hasn’t worked... why should I even bother?” You ask. The fact is that no one methodology works perfectly. While I am not a psychiatrist, and I do not prescribe medication, I do look at all aspects of treatment and give my honest opinion. I have found that I am different from the other Neurofeedback providers in San Antonio, because I don’t just hook you up and send you out. I use multiple modalities to help, involving any combination of therapies such as talk therapy, educational consulting (through my wife, who is a teacher), lifestyle, and family therapy as well as the neurofeedback.
Alzheimer's Association Release
ALZHEIMER’S ASSOCIATION LAUNCHES TRIALMATCHTM –
FIRST-OF-ITS-KIND CLINICAL TRIAL MATCHING SERVICE IN ALZHEIMER’S
Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatchTM Connects People with Alzheimer’s with Potentially Life-Altering Clinical Studies
July 12, 2010, San Antonio, Texas – The Alzheimer’s Association announced today the launch of Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatchTM, a confidential and free tool that provides comprehensive clinical trial information and an individualized trial matching service for people with Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias.
The Internet (www.alz.org/TrialMatch) and phone-based (800-272-3900) service debuted during the Alzheimer’s Association’s 2010 International Conference on Alzheimer's Disease (ICAD) in Honolulu, HI.
There are as many as 5.3 million Americans living with the disease and every 70 seconds someone in America develops Alzheimer’s disease, according to the Alzheimer’s Association’s 2010 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts and Figures.
“Alzheimer’s disease is reaching epidemic proportions with devastating impact on families, and the potential to wreck Medicare, Medicaid and the health care system,” said William Thies, PhD, Chief Medical and Scientific Officer at the Alzheimer’s Association. “The immediate need for advances in diagnosis, treatment and prevention has led to an unprecedented need for clinical study participants. This, combined with challenges specific to recruitment and retention of participants with Alzheimer’s, has created a particularly difficult situation for the field. That’s why the Alzheimer’s Association has launched Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatch.”
Recruiting and retaining participants for clinical studies is one of the greatest obstacles to developing the next generation of Alzheimer’s treatments.1
“We’re looking to physicians to play a leadership role in referring their patients to clinical trials in Alzheimer’s and dementia,” said Marilyn Albert, PhD, Professor of Neurology at Johns Hopkins and Director of their Division of Cognitive Neuroscience. “As healthcare professionals, there is more we can do to help our patients post-diagnosis. By referring our current patients to trials, we offer access to potential cutting-edge treatments while unlocking the door to potentially more widely-available treatments for people with Alzheimer’s in the future.”
There are no treatments available to slow or stop the brain cell deterioration that occurs with Alzheimer’s. However, more than 100 clinical studies in Alzheimer’s and dementia are currently taking place and dozens more experimental compounds are moving from the laboratory to clinical testing.
“Families affected by Alzheimer’s need better diagnostic and treatment options now, and the lack of participants in clinical studies is a significant public health issue,” Dr. Thies said. “Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatch is a powerful and user-friendly tool for people with Alzheimer’s, their healthcare professionals, caregivers, and healthy volunteers to learn about and take part in cutting-edge research going on right now. By volunteering for clinical studies, people with Alzheimer’s and their caregivers can play a more active role in their own treatment while also contributing to scientific discovery and benefiting future generations. It is public service in the best possible sense.”
Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatch is a “dementia friendlier” service than others in this space, with web and phone support, specially trained staff, and tools developed with input from people with Alzheimer’s.
The strength of this Web- and national 800 line-based service is that Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatch contains a comprehensive, constantly updated database of institutional review board-approved Alzheimer’s, mild cognitive impairment and other dementia trials taking place across the U.S. Specialists at the Alzheimer’s Association’s national Contact Center – available 24-hours a day – assist in the process of matching individuals to clinical trials for which they are eligible based on study inclusion/exclusion criteria, diagnosis, treatment history and location. The technology and platform for Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatch is provided by EmergingMed.
Alzheimer’s Association Contact Center specialists will not recommend any particular clinical trial, but will describe all studies for which the person is eligible. They will answer questions about the trial process and connect individuals with trial sites based on their unique profile. Patients and caregivers will be encouraged to share their trial matches with their healthcare professionals to help decide whether a clinical trial is appropriate.
Alzheimer’s Association TrialMatch can be accessed at www.alz.org/TrialMatch or by calling toll-free, (800) 272-3900.
The Alzheimer's Association is the leading voluntary health organization in Alzheimer care, support and research. Our mission is to eliminate Alzheimer's disease through the advancement of research; to provide and enhance care and support for all affected; and to reduce the risk of dementia through the promotion of brain health. Our vision is a world without Alzheimer's. For more information, visit www.alz.org.
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References
1. National Institute on Aging. National Institutes of Health. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Participating in Alzheimer’s Disease Clinical Trials and Studies. September 2009; 09-7484. Accessed on April 8, 2010: http://www.nia.nih.gov/Alzheimers/Publications/trials-studies.html.
PTSD and Neurofeedback
Stress Busting is Uploaded!
An Exercise in Gratitude
The fact is that positive conversations need to be practiced so that the negative conversations do not create a downward spiral.
Positive conversations of gratitude happen in a set of 6 easy steps, but they are only effective if they are regularly employed:
Step 1: Begin with something you appreciate of about your spouse. You can choose to mention something your spouse has done in the last 24 hours or something that is done repeatedly which you don't think get appreciated enough. The key is to stay on one thing you appreciate and to describe it as fully as possible. For example, “Tom, I saw that you picked up the dirty clothes around the house this morning and put them in the laundry basket. I really appreciated that! I was able to get all the laundry done without searching all over the house first, and now I have the time and energy to spend with you tonight.”
Step 2: When the first spouse is finished speaking, the second spouse needs to "mirror" back what was just said. In other words, repeat back, as close as possible, what you heard them say. “Susan, I heard you say you appreciated that I picked up the dirty clothes because it made your job with the laundry easier and now you have time tonight to spend with me...”
Step 3: When the second spouse has repeated everything that was said, he or she should ask the question “... did I understand you correctly?”
Step 4: If everything was correct, the first spouse should say, “Yes” or make a gesture that lets the partner know they have understood. If there has been a misunderstanding, then the first spouse should describe again what he or she is grateful for and then repeat steps 2, 3, and 4 until you are understood completely.
Step 5: Now the second spouse gets a chance to begin at step 1 and go through steps 2-4.
Step 6: Once step 4 is complete for both spouses then the conversation ends with both spouses summarizing what was understood by taking turns saying, “What I learned from this conversation was...(fill in the blank)”
At this point, you can move onto discussing the rest of your daily checklist of things that need to be discussed, including the negative .
This process may feel uncomfortable at first and take some time, but continue to use it and revise it to fit your conversation patterns. In time it will become more comfortable and take less time for you to understand each other.
Take care and have a terrific week!
Updated Information
Preventing Dementia
People have theorized that you just have to do brain teasers and puzzles in order to keep your brain active. Others have talked about using dietary supplements.
Last week, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) held a “State-of-the-Science” conference. On April 28, 2010, they released a statement saying, “There is currently no evidence considered to be of even moderate scientific quality supporting the association of any modifiable factor (nutritional supplements, herbal preparations, dietary factors, prescription or nonprescription drugs, social or economic factors, medical condition, toxins, environmental exposures) with reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease.”
What exactly does that mean? At this time, NO known way of preventing or reducing your risk for Alzheimer’s Disease exists.
Hope is not gone, however. People are still doing research into what causes Dementia in the first place. In the mean time, caregivers: Take care of yourself. You cannot help or care for your loved one(s) if you, yourself, are worn out. Hold out hope, and know, I am here to help. My stress busting page has a lot of information, but it is basic. Call me to learn how to apply this information to your life.
Click HERE to view the full NIH statement. It has a lot more information than what I have summarized here.